{I know you can feel it, your already there, asleep under water just screaming for air. Don't you know were freaks and creatures, wake up I can almost see the light. I think were alone here, you and I. I think were alone here, wondering why. I think were alone in the universe tonight}

Shows to keep up with:

1. intervention
2. brat camp
3. medium
4. hell's kitchen

Watch them and you be the critic although not everyone is into those kinds of programs, I nontheless strongly advise you people watch them.

Today marks the three month anniversary of my nonna's death. God, three months already....time goes by so fucking fast.

Tomorrow is my parent's 26th wedding anniversary and my siblings and I hope that they'll appreciate the money. I got into a little bit of a disagreement with my mother today because I've decided that I won't be going to Aria this weekend. I don't feel like getting druged up or dancing, I know what the speed does to me the next day and personally, I don't want to feel that way for a long time. My sister won't be home, my brother will be at my cousin's for the night and after my parents go out to dinner, they'll be comming back home for dessert if you know what I mean. I DON"T AND WON"T be the only one at home, lying in my bed when down the hall....... I's rather sleep on the streets for the night and fall asleep with nasty images in my head. My mother doesn't understand that I'm going out to dinner myself with Mike on saturday anyways and I could just stay out with him for the night....she would rather I come home or go to my cousin's house were Paul will be.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet but coming home is not an option. How gross!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired. I keep telling myself everyday that I'll go to bed earlier that night. It never happens.

Brian, I know your very busy but, I hope to see you before school starts again:)

Marlena is shocking me every day! She reminds me of a kid in a candy store only it's like she's standing in the middle of men's buffet, no control whatsoever. She's seeing someone, but I guess her logic is: "I'm meeting all these hot guys at the gym so why not get to know them a little better too? I wonder what I can get from them. A little bit of this, a little bit of that". She just announced yesterday: "I met this guy that wants to buy me steak but I'm not interested in him. I told him that if he brings his brother, I would come over".

????????????

Paul and I always joke that she reminds us of "lorri" in that 70's show, lol. But, we love her anyways. I'm just concerned that with all this hyperactivity pumping through her veins, she's going to get herself hurt or endured because she feels all this newfound power that she's never felt before and it's preventing her from seeing straight. I don't get it, I'm six years younger with a lot less experience and yet I feel as though I've lived a hundred lives already, that I always know what to do compared to her. And I know that she's a lot smarter then she acts sometimes but still, I feel like I'm constantly looking after her because I'm really scared that something bad will happen and that's the last thing I want for her. Still, in the last six months, it's as if she fell on her head or something, that we've taken alternate roles...

Anyhow, thank god for the gym, that's all I have to say. It's really changed my life, it's made me see that by just pushing myself a little , I could be so much more, as a person as anything really. My body is changing physically, mentally I'm more stable and I have goals, emotionally, I haven't felt this strong since I can't even freakin remember. I don't get sad nearly as often as I used too and it's since I started too! I remember those dark days where I would be in the bathroom staring at that bottle of advil.... thinking....and then I would push the thoughts aside and keep going. I don't feel that threatened in my life anymore. I feel like..........like I have something to live for. Family, friends, school and a whole lot of potential to go, be or do anything I please in life.

I feel better.

-Vanessa